Apologizing 101
Steve Adubato

If saying "I'm sorry" is so easy, then why are so many people so bad at it? How do you apologize effectively and have the offended party forgive you? Consider the highly publicized apology of US Senator Bob Torricelli after the Senate Ethics Committee "seriously admonished" him for his dealings with discredited businessman David Chang.

The Torricelli debacle in many ways is not about politics but rather about what people expect of their leaders, be they in government, business or the non-profit sector. Most people expect their leaders to be decent, honest and ethical and willing to admit when they've messed up. Given the rash recent corporate scandals, these particular leadership qualities are more important than ever.

Bob Torricelli is an excellent communicator and a compelling public speaker, but apparently he and other high profile figures such as Tyco's Dennis Koslowski, Enron's Ken Lay, or even Lizzie Grubman haven't figured out how important the truth is when things go wrong. For months Torricelli insisted that he never took any "gifts" from David Chang, except most people would call a big screen TV, CD player and jewelry that you don't pay full price for a "gift." Finally, when the Ethics Committee concluded that Torricelli did in fact take gifts from Chang, Torricelli offered this less than effective apology; "I agree with the Committees conclusions…fully accept their findings and accept full responsibility." But then Torricelli added, "it has always been my contention that I believe at no time did I accept any gifts or violate any Senate rules." Lots of problems with that apology:

• When apologizing, you can't take that long to do it. Torricelli did. Don't wait for someone else in authority (i.e., your boss) to say you did something wrong. It's best for you to proactively admit your mistake and apologize immediately.
  
  
• When you apologize, don't offer explanations or caveats. It makes the apology ring hollow. In Torricelli's case, he said he agreed with the Committee findings but then reasserts that he did nothing wrong. Well which one is it? Apologies shouldn't contain mixed messages.
  
  
• Torricelli also said that he was sorry because his "interpretations (of Senate rules) were in error." Huh? Be sorry for taking gifts that you weren't supposed to take. How else could you have "interpreted" getting free stuff you didn't pay full price for? Don't play with words. As a recent Ledger editorial stated, "The senator is engaged in a hopeless semantic dance intended to make this sound like a small technical matter."
  
  
• Disclose early and honestly. Technically, Senator Torricelli doesn't have the authority to release the transcripts from the Ethics Committee. However, he could aggressively push the Committee to disclose the documents. His stance? "I don't think I am in a position to contradict them." Again, technically, the Senator is not in a position to contradict the committee, but if you really want people to know the full truth, a great leader would not cling to technicalities. You push for what is right, especially when people still have more questions.

The bottom line is whether you are a U.S. Senator, corporate executive, high school teacher, spouse or child who has done something wrong or broken the rules, the way to say "I'm sorry" is pretty much the same. And since we all mess up more than we'd like, the lesson Bob Torricelli has just learned has value for the rest of us.

What about you? When was the last time you really messed up either at work or at home? How did you apologize and how did the other person respond? Write to me.

Dr. Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on the subjects of communication and leadership and is the author of the book "Speak from the Heart." Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, visit his Web site at www.stand-deliver.com, or e-mail him at sadubato@aol.com.

Back to Star Ledger Column