The New Year Mailbag
Steve Adubato, Ph.D.

It is a new year, which means new communication questions and challenges for all.  What better time to open up the communication mailbag and take on some difficult and thorny e-mails and letters.  Let’s get to work:

“I recently was asked to give brief remarks at the office Christmas party for a staff member being honored for 25 years of service.  The problem?  I found out only minutes before I was expected to present.  I was angry and nervous because I was not prepared.  My speech was brief, and although my colleagues told me it was heartfelt, I know I could have done better.  What advice do you have so I can be better prepared for impromptu speaking in the future? 

You’ve got the brief part right.  Any impromptu speech should be short, conversational, personal and real.  More specifically, you know the person being honored.  You have a personal connection with him.  If you have a short (less than a minute) story to share that is symbolic of who they are, then share it.  If not, go with your gut and don’t overanalyze the situation.  People aren’t expecting the Gettysburg address. 

“I've been a reader of your column for many years.  Now retired, I've sent copies of many columns to my grandchildren who are now in high school and college, to keep them informed on what the real world might expect of them.  One thing I have spoken to them about is talking too fast.  In phone conversations I remind them to talk slower so that they can be understood, particularly if they are in a ‘teaching’ situation.  What advice can you offer?” 

It’s interesting.  Telling people to slow down is one thing, demonstrating it is quite another.  When we tell or lecture, it often goes in one ear and out the other.  But consider this approach next time one of your grandchildren is speaking too quickly; “Jimmy, I think what you said was…Is that what you meant?  You are speaking so quickly I can’t understand.”  Ask him in the moment to slow down.  Also, recommend that they go to Toastmasters where they can get constructive feedback on their rate of speech.  Even if they slow down when speaking to you, you have no idea how they are communicating with others. 

“I have recently received a promotion to a manager's position over employees that I have worked with for over 15 years.  The employees now seem to view me as a ‘spy’ for the company and don’t seem to respect my authority. In meetings I get pounced on for changes that I try to implement and sometimes feel frustrated.  I plan out an agenda, use good eye contact and try to single out employees by name and praise their contributions. But, at the end of the meeting, I'm left with the feeling that they did not take me seriously.  How can I become a more confident communicator?”

Confront and deal with the situation.  Don’t duck it. Get your people together to talk about one specific issue.  Say something like; “Listen, I feel as if some of you don’t trust me…my perception is that no matter how hard I’ve tried we are not connecting and I’d like some advice on how I can improve.”  Then ask them individually to respond.  It will be uncomfortable at first, but just by doing this, it will communicate that you have enough confidence to deal with a difficult situation.  Finally, let team members know what you believe the negative impact is to the team’s effectiveness and ask them to respond directly. 

Finally, Joe Wardy from Randolph, NJ, wrote in with some tips on how to become a more engaged listener in 2010; “First, concentrate without doing something else at the same time. The hard work of listening cannot be effective if you are multi-tasking.  Second, in work situations, express emotional control by not killing the messenger and allowing the message to be heard genuinely and not selectively.”   Joe also recommends to listen for feelings as well as facts and reminds us that “people don’t care what you know…until they know that you care.”

Great advice Joe.  We should all remember it as we kick off 2010. 

Steve Adubato coaches and speaks on communication and leadership and is author of the new book "What Were They Thinking? Crisis Communication: The Good, the Bad and the Totally Clueless" (Rutgers University Press). Write to him at The Star-Ledger, 1 Star-Ledger Plaza, Newark, NJ 07102, visit his Web site at www.stand-deliver.com, or e-mail him at sadubato@aol.com.

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